Fade to Blue Page 2

  “And what might that be?”

  “That of all the places he could have landed in this great country of ours, why’d he have to pick the one with the most wretched woman from his past?”

  Jer’s empty cup fell over. “What’s wretched?”

  Mimi blew toward us with a full tray of steaming food. “Here we are.” She placed the food before us. “Can I get you anything else—Oh, looky here.”

  We all turned. Seth had just walked into the diner, alone, looking tall and sharp in dark pants, a denim blue shirt, and a casual blazer.

  Letty reached for my hand. “Invite him to sit with us.”

  I jerked my hand away and dropped my gaze to the chopped Cobb salad in front of me. Twice in one day? What was he doing here?

  Lord, I’ve prayed for you to show me the transgressions that have gotten me to this place in life, but I never expected this. I had my reasons for choosing another man over Seth. What about those? Or have you chosen this public place for me to make amends with a man I once hurt?

  Letty’s sudden, deflated “Oh” pulled me from my thoughts.

  Holly greeted Seth. They exchanged some words, and although I tried, I couldn’t make them out. Then he held the door open for her. Just before leaving, Holly turned her head toward us and, with a wide smile, mouthed the words: This is him.

  Chapter Two

  The waves rolled in layers toward me. The pages of my diary flapped free, like sweet memories, like the days I longed to recapture when life was at its simplest.

  From this spot on the beach where the tide rushed free and exposed undersea lands, I turned to glimpse the towers of Hearst Castle extending above the clouds. I’d chosen this spot between my two favorite worlds—one undulating and peaceful, the other meticulously planned and stalwart—as the place to unleash my long-locked-away thoughts onto the page.

  The only thing that had made its way onto the page, however, was an image I’d sketched as hastily as it appeared in my thoughts: a spattering of glowing sea anemones, similar to the ones I bravely touched soon after moving west. I found them easy to sketch, especially with a mind preoccupied by the sudden, unexpected appearance of an old flame on an otherwise uncomplicated day. Seeing him again had not only washed me in happy memories, but also dredged up the reasons for our parting. My heart beat as if a battle waged within.

  The morning sun’s brightness dimmed and I peered upward, my left hand shading my eyes.

  “You’re out early. Glad to see it.” Fred stood above me wearing a rumpled cotton button-down shirt, tails out over his faded Dockers, and hiking sandals.

  I dropped my hand to my diary, laying it across the page. “Too beautiful of a day not to spend some of it outside.” I cringed after saying it. Would he think me ungrateful for my apprenticeship at the warehouse?

  “’Course it is. That’s why I’m out here on a jaunt myself.” Hands in his pockets, he crooked his head toward the castle. “When’s the last time you took a good look around?”

  My face burned. “Haven’t actually been up to the castle in person, Boss, but I’ve read all about it. And I’ve studied some of the art pieces online. Fascinating history.”

  “I suppose you’re right about the history and all, but now I understand.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “No apology necessary. I understand now something in you. There’s curiosity in your eyes, and while that may be dandy and fine enough for some folks, no one can get work done that way. You need a tour to cure you of your wonder for the place.”

  Cure me of my wonder. Wouldn’t climbing La Cuesta Encantada, “the Enchanted Hill,” and seeing the castle up close do the opposite? I gave Fred a smile, forcing any perceived look of curiosity from my face. Not that I’m not dying to walk every hall of that magnificent castle. But more than the castle’s elusiveness had been on my mind. It was far more likely that on this particular morning, Fred witnessed the sting of Seth’s sudden appearance in Otter Bay darkening the circles below my eyes. And just as I had taken steps to put old failures behind me too.

  “We’ll do it tomorrow.” Fred’s statement came tinged with hope and a helping of pride, as if he’d solved a problem and felt quite good about himself.

  I stood since there’d be no time this morning for jotting down freewheeling thoughts. “Thank you, Fred. I can’t wait to see it.”

  As he continued down the beach, I jogged up the stairs and hopped onto the cotton-candy pink bicycle my future sister-in-law, Callie, had given me when the camp where she worked replaced their equipment with new wheels.

  At home Jeremiah wore his favorite train pj’s, the ones with frayed and browning edges, and ate sugary corn flakes at the kitchen table. My brother had the coffee waiting. He turned to me holding out a cup. “You timed that well.”

  “It’s a gift.” The coffee burned its way down my throat, as if making sure that every nerve ending had fully awakened. “Thanks for letting me slip out this morning. I appreciate it.”

  He smiled and slipped one arm around my shoulder. “My pleasure. Did you accomplish what you set out to do?”

  Not yet. How I wished I could tell my big brother that we no longer needed his charity. Unannounced tears welled behind my eyes. For now, Jeremiah and I needed his help, and for how long was anyone’s guess. I cradled the cup in my hands. “I ran into Fred.”

  Gage’s brow lifted.

  “My boss.”

  Understanding lit his face and he nodded, turning back toward the sink to slosh running water into his coffee mug.

  “He’s going to arrange for me to take a tour of the castle tomorrow.”

  Gage looked over his shoulder and winced.

  “What?”

  He set the mug into the sink, grabbed a towel to wipe his hands, then reached out and rubbed my shoulder. “Sorry, Sis. It’s been on my list to take you there myself, but with the new project I’m on and, well, all the costs I incurred on the old one . . .” He paused. “Anyway, I really should have done that for you before you started the apprenticeship.”

  A fissure fractured the dam of emotion swelling within me. “That wasn’t your responsibility,” I snapped.

  He sighed and leaned back against the sink, looking very much like a father ready to scold his wayward toddler. Could I blame him? At thirteen years my senior, he’d often drifted into the parenting role. “Something going on I should know about?”

  I poured Jer a cup of apple juice. “I’m just saying I’m a big girl and it’s time I act like one. As soon as possible, I plan to move out and give you your privacy back.”

  He crossed his arms. “When have I ever made you feel unwelcome?”

  “You haven’t. But you’re engaged. Don’t you think Callie would prefer to marry a man without so much baggage?”

  “Callie loves you, and she’s never said—”

  “Of course not, and I wouldn’t expect her to. But she’s not marrying all of us—just you.” I let out a harsh breath. “Look, I can’t do it yet—we both know it—but it’s my goal to get out of your hair. And hers.”

  He stared at me, his forehead creased. “Feels a little unfair of you to say that.”

  I swallowed the sharp lump in my throat. Jer climbed down from his chair and picked up his bowl and spoon, as he’d been taught. As he padded across the kitchen floor, his spoon flipped out of the bowl, landing with a clatter and spraying milk on the tile.

  “Uh-oh.” He watched me with moon eyes.

  I took the bowl from his hands and set it in the sink. “Go put on your school clothes, Jeremiah. Mama will be right up.”

  He scampered away.

  Gage grabbed a wet rag and crouched down, scrubbing the droplets and puddles from the tile floor.

  “See? This is what I mean. You shouldn’t have to deal with things like this until you have your own wife and kids underfoot.” An overreaction, maybe, but everything inside me stood poised to burst.

  Gage grunted and threw down the rag. My big brother, who too
k us in and had never uttered a negative word about it, glared up at me. “What’s gotten into you? I thought you liked living here with me. Have I done something to offend you?”

  I clenched my fists. “Stop being so nice to me! I’m the one who’s screwed up, and I’m just trying to set things right for the first time in my life.”

  He reached out for me. “I haven’t seen you like this since . . . since . . .”

  I wrenched away from him. “Since you found me in a sobbing mass—like a fool—the day Len sent a letter telling me he wanted a divorce?”

  He pulled me into a hug. “Stop. Whatever it is, I can help you. You haven’t screwed up your life. Sometimes, it’s just plain hard, but you and I, we’ve always been in this together.”

  Maybe it was his crushing hug, or maybe the years of mistakes raining down on my head, but I couldn’t breathe. The weight of my predicament, of living a life that looked nothing like I had dreamed, had a way of draping itself about my shoulders like a steel cape.

  He released me, concern creasing his brow. “Right, Suz?”

  I nodded, still unable to speak. I had no real means of leaving soon and had been frivolous to suggest otherwise. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

  “Don’t apologize.” He rubbed my shoulder somewhat awkwardly. “Just go back to being the dreamer you’ve always been, squirt. Always admired that in you.”

  I pulled away. Dreamer? Seth used to call me that too. I shut my eyes a moment. It unnerved me to have him showing up in my thoughts with sudden regularity.

  Gage eyed me. “Promise me you’ll tell me whenever something’s bothering you—before it overtakes you. Will you do that?”

  I pushed the image of Seth greeting Holly in the diner right out of my mind and gave my brother the best conjured-up smile I could. “Sure. Of course.”

  He smiled back. “Good. I’ll take Jer to school for you this morning so you can have more time to get ready for work.” He paused a full three seconds. “Before I go, though, I have to tell you something.” He pulled an envelope out of his back pocket and handed it me. “You received a letter yesterday from Heinsburgh. The guy’s got lousy timing, as usual.”

  Heinsburgh Valley Correctional Facility. The return address shone, emblazoned in lyrical black script. Why would they bother? “Thanks.” I took the envelope and stuck it in my purse on the counter.

  He quirked that eyebrow again. “You gonna open it?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “I could open it for you.”

  I glared at him.

  He shrank back. “Your divorce is final so whatever that guy has to say, he should be saying through a lawyer.”

  “He’s Jer’s father.”

  “And a criminal.” My brother raked his hand through his wavy, brown hair. “Look, he chose a path that’s unhealthy and dangerous. You couldn’t possibly want Jer to have that kind of influence in his life.” He paused, his eyes unwavering. “Tell me I’m right, Suzanna.”

  I stared back at him, knowing I needed to take control of my life again. It was the only way I’d find what Gage and I’d had as kids: a stable, God-loving home unmarked by upheaval until, well, until both our parents were gone. Still, I knew better than to toss out my faith in the process. “Our marriage may be over, but I pray every day that he will come back to God and that he can be the father—the person—he was created to be. God hasn’t given up on him, so I have no right to.”

  Gage blew out a long, measured sigh. He watched me in silence.

  “What?”

  “You’re our mother all over again. She had the hardest time saying anything against anyone.”

  I paused. “Is that so wrong?”

  “That’s a hard one to answer, squirt. Just do me a favor.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Be careful.”

  “Aren’t I always?” I said the words, knowing I needed to be more than careful. I needed to be smart.

  Chapter Three

  Letty’s perfume tickled my nose as she hissed into my ear, “How did you manage to get a private tour so soon?”

  I shrugged, because I hadn’t a clue. One minute I sat on a lonely beach peering up at the over sixty-year-old castle, the next my boss gave me the day off to see the architectural treasure up close. We bumped along the winding path toward the castle in an old Jeep, Fred and the driver up front, Letty and me in the back.

  She leaned toward me again, her voice still a whisper. “I can’t believe he wasn’t going to invite me to go along too.” She paused. “Thank you for saying something.”

  I nodded as we hit a bump so hard my head grazed the ceiling. I gripped the seat in front of me, pulling myself forward. “Is this okay? Going up privately, I mean?”

  Fred stared straight ahead, but his jowls shifted, the grizzled whiteness of his cheeks rising into a smile. “All protocol has been followed. Sit back and enjoy the scenery.”

  I sat back. Letty’s whisper took on a hisslike quality. “I have been training for more than two years, and all I’ve gotten is a ride on one of those tourist trams with piped-in music from the forties.”

  I patted the back of her hand that also gripped the seat in front. “I’m jealous. If I could have afforded to, I would have done the same months ago.”

  She was quiet for a moment. We both took in the rolling hills, listening as our tour guide and driver, Clem, yarned on about Mr. Hearst’s former collection of wild animals.

  “And over here’s the area where they roamed free over two thousand acres. All kinds of wild critters—water buffalo, yaks, emus, ostriches, elk, zebras, llamas, oh and deer. Lots of deer of all types.”

  Letty clutched her purse closer to her body, as if protecting herself should a dangerous animal charge our open-air ride.

  Toward the top, Clem pointed toward some vague spot on the other side of the hill. “They say he even kept polar bears over there, where it was cooler. Made concrete pits to keep the ground cold and to hold ice hauled in on hot days.”

  Her mouth fell open. “Polar bears in California? That is loony, if you ask me.”

  Different, maybe, but I was charmed. The higher we climbed toward the romantic castle on the hill, the more I let my worries and stresses melt away. No ex-husband to worry about or old flame who bolted at the sight of me, just a fairy tale of a day walking the halls of history. If I shut my eyes, I could imagine the castle in its heyday, the merry images playing out on a drop-down screen. “I wish I could’ve been here.”

  Letty bumped my shoulder. “Why? So you could risk seeing your flesh torn right off your bones when some wild animal decided it was feeding time?”

  “You’re gross.”

  “No, I am realistic. All I can say is that it is a good thing those roaming animals were sent away to the comfortable confines of an upstanding zoo somewhere.”

  “Oh, brother.”

  Letty shook her head, an expression of feigned disgust on her face as she repeated my words, “I wish I could’ve been here . . .”

  I laughed. “C’mon, Letty. Aren’t you the least bit excited about viewing the castle again, seeing all those famous art pieces up close, walking the halls where political dignitaries and Hollywood’s biggest names once partied?”

  “I have said it before—someone has stars in her head all right.”

  I shrugged. “Well, I’m excited.” I held up my notepad. “This is a learning experience for me and I intend to treat it as such. My degree has been put on hold, so I consider this an important part of my education. So much fine art from all over the world in one place!”

  “Yes, it is rather like a museum, is it not?”

  “The castle’s too romantic to be thought of as just a museum. Not that I don’t love a good stroll through an art museum, of course. It’s just . . . oh, I don’t know.”

  “Ah, I see where this is going. Suz has romance on the mind, and dare I say, I did not notice this about you before that irresistible window washer appeared in your viewfi
nder yesterday like some wounded cowboy.”

  I bumped her shoulder harder than she had mine, and then glanced at the men bouncing along in front of us. “Stop it. Seeing Seth was a shock, yes, but then again, why should seeing an old friend from the past be that way? And besides, didn’t you see him run off with Holly last night?”

  “They were not exactly running, my dear. They had a simple date. The whole scene was rather old-fashioned too—he with his overcoat, she in her sparkly dress.”

  “Jealous?”

  Letty glared at me. “Ever notice that it is always the blondes who have all the fun around here?”

  I began to comment, caught sight of a loose strand of my long chestnut locks, and then flapped my gaping mouth shut when we crested the hill. I took in the grandeur of this castle that took almost thirty years to build. The cloudless, azure backdrop served to heighten its magic. Peace continued to drape itself over me. I felt lighter, as if weights floated off of me and into that great expanse of blue above.

  After we parked, Letty and I followed Clem and Fred to the entrance where we climbed the stone steps. Standing in front of the mighty castle, I took in the patterned tile at our feet, the soaring edifice, but strangely enough, the rush of water from the marble fountain and sounds of calling birds enchanted me as if I’d just stepped into the pages of The Secret Garden.

  Letty fished around in her bag and handed me her compact mirror. “Take a look, Suz. That angelic swoon on your face reminds me of Snow White. I am half expecting to see your prince storm by on a white steed followed by bouncing bunnies and happy little chipmunks.”

  I ignored her. “Wow. It’s . . . it’s even more magnificent than the pictures.”

  Letty watched me, then whipped her gaze to the castle entrance, shielding her eyes from the rising sun. “Well, it was designed by a woman, you know.”

  True, architect Julia Morgan had supervised the construction of Hearst Castle and the surrounding buildings. It had been said that she was hired to create “something that would be more comfortable” than tents. Talk about creative interpretation.